The New York Times is our nation’s Newspaper of Record, which is a fancy name for “most important newspaper.” As such they’re supposed to set a standard for how news is covered, and, to be perfectly honest with you, if their 2016 campaign coverage over the past couple of days is The Standard for what the rest of this campaign is going to be like, I’m going to see if I can get myself cryogenically frozen until January 2017.
Yesterday, the Times decided for some reason to publish the writings of 2016 GOP hopeful Bobby Jindal‘s ghostwriter, and you should be thrilled to know that Governor Jindal is “Holding Firm Against Gay Marriage.” I’d like to be thrilled except I’m not entirely sure what the hell that means. Is Governor Jindal personally busting up gay weddings across the country, tearing up marriage licenses for same-sex couples, or what? Gay marriage isn’t an advancing army or a tsunami, so what does it mean that he’s “holding firm” against it? Anyway it seems to be all about religious freedom something something:
In Indiana and Arkansas, large corporations recently joined left-wing activists to bully elected officials into backing away from strong protections for religious liberty. It was disappointing to see conservative leaders so hastily retreat on legislation that would simply allow for an individual or business to claim a right to free exercise of religion in a court of law.
Our country was founded on the principle of religious liberty, enshrined in the Bill of Rights. Why shouldn’t an individual or business have the right to cite, in a court proceeding, religious liberty as a reason for not participating in a same-sex marriage ceremony that violates a sincerely held religious belief?
I’ve figured out what Jindal’s 2016 theme is: he’s a pretend candidate who’s here to solve all of America’s imaginary problems. If you’re delusional enough to be panicked about Muslims setting up “no go zones” in American cities, even though that’s not happening in any way, Bobby Jindal is your candidate. If your religious freedoms are under attack, somehow, in your fertile imagination, Bobby J is here to help. Anyway, I hope Governor Jindal imagines more grave threats to America that he can pretend to want to fix, like maybe vaccines are causing gay leprosy now, or there’s a Muslim terror cell on the moon that’s planning to launch asteroids at our major cities. Those sound like they are very serious pretend problems.
Today, the Times gave us some of its famous investigative reporting into the crucial story of…John Ellis Bush Bush’s (seriously, “JEB” is his initials, John Ellis Bush, so when he goes by “Jeb Bush” he’s calling himself “John Ellis Bush Bush”) paleo diet:
Was it true, the guest asked him, that a stomach shrinks during a diet, easing the pangs of hunger? Not at all, Mr. Bush replied.
“I am always hungry,” he said.
Jeb Bush is thinking of running for president. And he is starving.
I like the idea of a president who is constantly disoriented and irrationally angry due to hunger. That sounds great. But where the NYT’s renowned reportage really comes in is with its “down in the trenches,” ground’s-eye view of how this Very Important Thing will be seen by Normal American Folk — or as the folks at the NYT probably like to call us, the Morlocks:
The rigid abstemiousness runs the risk of putting him at a dietary distance from an American electorate that still binges on carbohydrates and, after eight years of a tea-sipping president, craves a relatable eater in chief.
Yeah, all us fat-assed dimwitted French Fry addicts couldn’t possibly relate to a presidential candidate on a fad diet, and since we’re all disgusting gluttons, the kind and amount of food a candidate shovels into his or her mouth hole is obviously the major criteria by which we voters will be making our decisions come Election Day. Thanks, NYT, for laying it out there like that.
Also, has Obama ever actually sipped tea in public? What the hell was that “tea-sipping” bit about?
Anyway, does anybody have any recommendations for cryogenics places? Asking for a friend.
The Foreign Exchanges Companion 
Thanks for the laugh. This is great stuff, couched in sharp humor, and I share your dismay at the debauched nature of the current media establishment. I yearn for the olden days: there are some reporters to see you, governor, and a gentleman from the Times.
And politicians are like doctors: they get all the power/money not because they are demigods but because they are the fronts for powerful and tightly organized systems. Nothing that Clinton/Jindal/Bush says in public is “authentic” because no politician can afford to be authentic. One slip, and your enemies will seize upon it and club you like a baby harp seal. So, yeah, no, Jindal didn’t write squat: I oppose this kind of thing on the grounds of plagiarism, but nobody listens to a grumpy old academic.